I turn 43 this December, but I don’t feel my age anymore. From when I remember, I have been battling emotional wounds from childhood. The scars of this battle are now taking a toll on my health. For a long time, not making it in life for the lack of money was a concern. That was until I realized that there are bigger curve balls which life can throw at you.
I’ve been dealing with severe brain fog for a while now. It actually started many years ago—around seven, if I were to put a number on it. However, due to my foggy memory, I can’t remember exactly when. Lately, it has gotten progressively worse, to the point where I’m now undergoing treatment—not for brain fog directly, but for gut dysbiosis. Because, as I’ve learned, when your gut isn’t functioning properly, your brain doesn’t either. This type of treatment is expensive; it’s a holistic approach, involving sessions with a nutritionist, a psychologist, and a gastroenterologist who specializes in functional medicine. I’ve also been learning a lot about my condition from online resources. Let me try to break down my experience with brain fog, and what I can attribute it to. I might end up all over the place. But bear with me, because it feels important.
First, let me explain what it’s like to live with brain fog.
- You can’t recall things when you need to.
- Your working memory suffers.
- Everything feels like a cognitive burden.
- Focusing and completing tasks becomes a struggle.
- Your mood and motivation fluctuate.
- You feel constantly tired.
I’m sure there are other symptoms I’ve missed, but let me assure you that these by themselves are pretty daunting. And yes, I have made a classic mistake of attributing this to laziness among other things (such as ADHD and depression).
So, what causes this? There can be a multitude of reasons. You can watch this video for an overview of potential causes. In my case, it appears to be a complex mix of stress, gut dysbiosis, lack of exercise, and childhood trauma. To be honest, I don’t know the exact cause, but through my research and conversations with mental health and alternative medicine experts, these seem like likely contributors.
The challenge in addressing these causes is that they’re deeply interconnected. But what led me here? Let me try to break that down in this post (this is where I attempt to tie the different threads together).
It all started with an unhappy childhood. I’ve always hesitated to use the word “trauma” because, to me, trauma implies extreme, distressing events. In my case, it was more about the emotional harm caused by caregivers with poor parenting skills. Ironically, none of it was done with ill intent, which made it difficult for me to talk about. But the adult me now recognizes patterns where my own emotions were ignored, and I was constantly judged, criticised, and compared to others. My childhood memories only have themes such as overprotection and control, excessive pressure and expectations, negligence of my emotional needs, lack of affirmation, projection of unresolved issues, and overemphasis of other people’s achievements. This might sound typical of an Indian middle-class household, and my parents likely weren’t better or worse than average. Life is such that every child, grows up in a unique environment. Generalisations are good only to make you appear intellectual in online posts. So, let’s not chalk it up to, “Oh, this is India, and parents just prepare their kids for a competitive world.”
When the “project” of life starts on the wrong foot, there’s a high chance of future complications. However, I can’t say my life was a disaster. On the surface, I coasted through childhood, youth and adulthood without revealing inner scars. I graduated, got a job and did what a son should to do to “settle down.” But all this was because I internalised my emotional wounds. And it took a toll on my body. But the body has an incredible capacity to heal—provided it’s in the right environment.
In my case, I was healing, but also hurting. Poor gut health has always plagued me. Various other life events affected me, though time was the healer for most of them. I will not get into the details here. But in the process of living, my awareness of life’s complexities grew. I did both direct and indirect inner work. There was acceptance. There was spiritual growth. And I developed my own ways of escaping from a reality I wasn’t ready to face. I somehow managed a delicate balance between hurting and healing. But the root trauma remained.
For the sake of brevity, let’s skip ahead to the final part of my story—by “final,” I mean closest to my current reality. In this reality, my body and mind desperately need healing. The sprint to my breaking point was accelerated because I deprived my body the right conditions to do the balancing act.
This neglecting of the body started when I moved to Udupi in 2022. There, I discovered a new kind of happiness. For the first time, I was living life on my terms. I felt free, empowered, fulfilled, and, above all, alive. But it all came at a cost—my health. Living alone, my diet was compromised. Udupi’s extreme climate—with intense heat, humidity, and rain—caught me unprepared. On the surface, I was coping, but my health suffered quietly.
I couldn’t get a good night’s sleep due to the heat. My meals did not have variety because I prioritised convenience over nutrition. I fell ill with dengue and later a viral infection. I developed joint problems. I was constantly drinking water straight from the well to combat dehydration. After the rains, mold was everywhere in my house. My life became a cycle of constant travel between Bangalore and Udupi. The body handles external stress less efficiently as you grow old. Maybe my younger self would have handled this better. But that time had passed. My brain started to feel extremely sluggish in Udupi itself. I felt unusual fatigue in my body. But I managed to chug along, till things started falling apart last year.
The stress of my job—the very thing that enabled me to leave Bangalore for Udupi became very real when my company was acquired in November 2023. This introduced job insecurity and the looming threat of being forced out of my little bubble of happiness. The worst part was having to return to two things I detested most—a chaotic, deteriorating city ,and close proximity to the person who had inflicted deep emotional wounds on me. So while none of these were stressors directly related to my job, they were because of it (and because of how I was conditioned to look at breadwinning from childhood).
From November 2023 to September 2024, my brain had a lot to handle. I’ve omitted some details for brevity, but these major events have greatly contributed to my body’s inability to heal in the backdrop of a larger, more continual trauma. I started the healing process in September 2024, but it seems like the journey is going to be a long one. I have just begun to understand the probable causes of my brain fog and the gut-brain axis. Treating gut dysbiosis involves altering food habits and making lifestyle changes.
Growing up, money seemed like the obstacle to a fulfilling life. We had enough to live comfortably as a middle-class Indian family, but my wide-ranging interests and zest for exploration often felt stifled by financial limitations. I tried to fix that by holding onto well paying jobs that I didn’t particularly enjoy, because I needed the financial stability. But today, looking back, I realize that money—whether you have it or not—means little without the essentials: healthy relationships, a support structure, a healthy body, and a functioning brain. All of these are so interconnected that if one piece falters, a larger breakdown becomes inevitable.
If you face similar issues, and the doctor has used the catch-all word, “Stress,” here are some videos that you can watch to understand what may be going on:
- DYSBIOSIS: How Imbalances in Your Gut Microbiome Can Have Far-Reaching Consequences on Your Health!
- The Causes of Brain Fog
- 7 WARNING Signs Your BRAIN Needs Help (Inflammation, Brain Fog, Insomnia)
Once you watch a few videos on these topics, the YouTube algorithm will help you further.
